Avoid wild comments on ‘toxic parenting’

Dr Aziz Ahmed Quadri

I am writing this to bring to your attention a concerning issue that is negatively impacting family relationships due to the way some Islamic teachings are wrongly being interpreted and understood and even applied. Currently, many Islamic scholars seem to be lending negative thought process wildly suggesting children to cut ties with their parents without going deeply through the issues. Such issues cannot be generalised and have to be dealt with difference as per the issues faced by the individuals.

Many children today are using such scholars’ statements on ‘toxic parents’ to justify cutting ties with their own parents, even in cases where their parents are not abusive but may be struggling with their own mental health conditions or financial difficulties. This misrepresentation contradicts fundamental Islamic principles on maintaining family ties (Silat-ur-Rehm) and parental rights.

Key issues - mental illness v/s toxicity - should be understood with an Islamic perspective. Every difficult parent need not be toxic. Some parents suffer from schizophrenia, depression, or trauma. These are medical issues and not the moral failings.

Islam encourages helping and supporting parents with wisdom, rather than abandoning them. Some scholars, on social media, appeared to be advising ‘minimal connection or ties’ with parents. But this should be for cases involving extreme abuse and not in case of normal parent-child conflict. This ‘minimal ties’ suggestion might also lead to cutting the ties entirely. In case a parent is struggling with mental illness, Islam commands us to help them, not to maintain distance from them.

Satan, as per the Islamic teachings, plays a role in breaking the family bonds. Holy Quraan says, “Tell my servants to say that which is the best. Indeed, Satan induces dissension among them.” (Surah Al-Isra 17:53). “Indeed, Satan is an enemy to mankind, so take him as an enemy.” (Surah Fatir 35:6).

Children must be reminded that Satan seeks to create division within families and they should not fall into this trap.

Quran also points out the tale of Prophet Yousuf (AS) that his brothers had wrongly perceived their father Prophet Yaqub (AS) to be favouring Yousuf AS and of being unjust to them. His brothers wrongly believed this and the Quran never confirms that Prophet Yaqub (AS) was unfair. Their misperception was influenced by Satan (Surah Yousuf 12:5, 12: 100).

This teaches us that instead of blaming parents, children should recognise Satan’s deception and avoid negative assumptions (Surah Al-Hujrat 49:12).

Once a man complained to the Holy Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) that “Ya RasoolAllah, my father takes my money.” The Prophet (PBUH) responded “You and your wealth belong to your father,” (Sunan Ibn Majah 2291).

If Islam commands financial care for parents, cutting ties with them due to personal grievances is a severe violation of Islamic teachings.

In the light of these issues, I request such esteemed scholars to clarify that ‘toxic parent’ term is not an absolute term. Mental illness and parental struggles should not be misinterpreted as intentional harm. They need to highlight the difference between justice (Adl) and equity (Qist) so that unjustified accusation of favouritism against parents can be avoided.

They must discourage the trend of using past grievances as justification for cutting ties, as this leads to stress, sin and further division. They should encourage active involvement in a suffering parent’s treatment and well-being as many children already do this with sincerity.

Scholars have a profound influence on societal attitudes. I sincerely urge them to provide guidance that promotes family unity, justice, and reconciliation, rather than causing division and resentment.

(The writer is Director, Mental Health Centre, Padegaon, Chhatrapati Sambhajinagar)